Five Minutes w/ the Pessimist

Repeat after me, “It’s only a tinpot cup, no need to get excited. It’s only a tinpot cup, no need to get excited.” God I’m excited! And there’s nothing like a boring ‘Can’t really be bothered to play’ 1-0 win to get the juices flowing. You could just feel the excitement and anticipation radiating off the 830 home fans as they watched Halifax dominate possession, lose possession and they regain it when our hoof up to Rankeen failed for the umpteenth time. But who cares we’re in a final, albeit the final of the ‘hot potato’ of the domestic competitions, I don’t think anyone actually wants it. But then again maybe I’m just looking at it too cynically.  

Apart from watching the dire football and praying that Halifax didn’t score so that I had to watch another 30 minutes of it I did notice a very annoying person on the right side of the De Banke. Now I vary where I stand depending on if I have company and on Thursday I did, so stood away from the crowd (on second thoughts though there wasn’t much of a crowd to stand away from). This man and his friend who from their voices and general moaning seem to be in their 50s/60s and have obviously had their patience severely tested throughout life. I say this because whenever the slightest goes wrong ’Old Man’ will shout what the player should have done and says it in a voice that makes it seem like he could do it standing on his head. He says this very, very loudly so that everyone in the vicinity of him can hear it, ’Friend’ then agrees but in a quieter tone. He will also criticize anything good unless a goal is produced at the end, for example Kelly’s run in the first half, Kelly goes past 2 or 3 players, gets to the edge of the area and shoots. Unfortunately straight at the keeper but everyone applauds the general effort except for ’him’ who shouts “No, no, no! Straight at him, you’re not going to score like that!”.

He also seems to laugh and generally see Rankeen as a joke. Even when he scored instead of cheering he just laughed and said “My God he managed to get something right for once!” and then proceeded to laugh and cheer whenever Rankeen got on the ball or jumped for the ball. He also likes to point out how much better the other team are compared to us. I recommend getting close to him if a game is particularly boring so you can have a chuckle. But the best part is what happens after he has said what the players should have done or generally moaned he emits at strange humming noise that sounds like he can’t be bothered to say ’Oh for God’s sake!’ so he just settles for a annoyed hum. If you do listen to him for a whole game the challenge is to:

a) Not go over to him and show him the way to the away end.

b) Not to go over and tell him to ‘Shut up, you old fart!’.

c) Laugh out loud when he starts humming.

Me and my Dad just managed this on Thursday but I’m sure if the game had gone into extra time I would have just started laughing profusely. Also note that you can swear at these people if you just use a normal tone because they can’t hear you as my Dad found out. For fun see how loud you can get before they notice you’re talking about them. He seemed like the type of person that would have criticized Billy Sharp’s finish against the Cobblers and thought that his hat-trick against Boston wasn’t quick enough. Very annoying.

Another thing that was annoying was the confirmation that the final was to be played at Aldershot thus depriving me of the chance of going and the chance to hold up my ‘sultana cake’ symbolizing the tinpot nature of the competition. The latter was more of a blow considering Aldershot will wipe the floor with us, so if anyone would like to win (…counts the loose coins in my pocket) £3.50 then all you have to do is take a cake, any type of cake I’m not picky (unless you can find some massive sultanas to put on top of the cake), and hold it up for the TV cameras or for a photo showing the cake at the game. This may seem a bit too much effort for £3.51 (I just found a penny) but you could get on TV which warrants any effort in my book. Lines close blah, blah, blah if you call after lines have closed you will be charged double so that you don’t do it again! I will then arrange a way of getting the £3.50 to the winner and maybe (very unlikely) get an oversized cheque to present to the winner.

TV recommendation of the week: Dunno not much on this week, Sultana will probably show some boring BSP game on Thursday but as always Question Time and This Week are on BBC1 for some good political discussion.

Radio recommendation for the week: Russell Howard and Jon Richardson on BBC 6Music, Sunday 10am-1pm.


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